A WHOOPER SWAN'S DIARY: 03/26/22

THE STORY OF JOHNNY WHOOPER SWAN We go to school trusting our parents. We meet a teacher there who stands up front with a big desk, and a pointer. She or he trains us in an authoritative manner. We attach mentally to a life long need for authority in order to live lives successfully. Right so far? In my case, at the age of 25 I was ready to enter the practice of law where I hoped for success and a happy life finally. Very shortly, very shortly, I became anxious. There was a foreboding. I was made more uncomfortable with each experience. Law work is nothing like what I was told it would be. The system is corrupt. But I still cling to my expectation that career success is necessary to my happiness as a man. Each day my grasp of what the fuck success amounts to after all becomes more clouded, murkier. I hear songs on the airwaves and at concerts which describe my life as the life of a fool. What am I becoming? I want to rip off my business suit to run naked in the street with my hair on fire! But I am too afraid. In strange, weird (weird comes from a word meaning wise), fragmented steps I go about a journey of my own believing myself to be the first man to have failed in such a total way which journey works so as to break up my career, end a marriage, and start an entirely new way of relating with my two children whom I love deeply. Almost magically I meet a woman who is a career counselor who asserts a beautiful message that I am made to be joyful in my work everyday and at all levels. This understanding sets me on a completely new course. It is no longer a world of systems to me but an undivided one of unlimited beauty. It reminds me of a painting. A true masterpiece. I am drawn from within to learn the truth about my identity and nobody else can teach me that. From this point onward I will use thinking capacity for mastering mechanical processes and follow my heart, which includes my whole nature, which includes your whole nature and that of every human being for all the rest. I’ll go by the name Johnny Whooper Swan who does not explain itself to anyone. By my fruits shall I be known. Watch me soar!

Saturday, March 26, 2022

HERE GOES

So, here goes. If I am simple and I cannot plan that, to be simple, it happens or it does not, but if it happens I will hear someone insult me or feel someone is ignoring me or recognize a look of disapproval or an absence of any attention at all and instead of being upset about it I respond with “what can this person actually do to me, hurt my ego?” Immediately I know that to hurt my ego is no loss but a gain. I am thankful for that benefit I might otherwise have hurt over. When hurt there is no telling what response will follow. Then I know, by golly, this feels so nice and I remember I have at times suffered pain in this circumstance and here I am happy as a peacock. Following that will be some deep rejoicing for the simple fact I am just me and I have nothing to lose. When in this place I am creative and being creative is not anything I can plan to be and anything is possible for me. I want to share this. There are two of me, both present. Which is going to be the priority? I cannot plan on a result with any effect so…what is it I learn about freedom here? I see a bit of something in me that wants freedom but on my terms and know that is not freedom at all. I want to share this. What is that about?

Seems to me life is not about "what do I get" but "what do I have to give".