A WHOOPER SWAN'S DIARY: 07/21/21

THE STORY OF JOHNNY WHOOPER SWAN We go to school trusting our parents. We meet a teacher there who stands up front with a big desk, and a pointer. She or he trains us in an authoritative manner. We attach mentally to a life long need for authority in order to live lives successfully. Right so far? In my case, at the age of 25 I was ready to enter the practice of law where I hoped for success and a happy life finally. Very shortly, very shortly, I became anxious. There was a foreboding. I was made more uncomfortable with each experience. Law work is nothing like what I was told it would be. The system is corrupt. But I still cling to my expectation that career success is necessary to my happiness as a man. Each day my grasp of what the fuck success amounts to after all becomes more clouded, murkier. I hear songs on the airwaves and at concerts which describe my life as the life of a fool. What am I becoming? I want to rip off my business suit to run naked in the street with my hair on fire! But I am too afraid. In strange, weird (weird comes from a word meaning wise), fragmented steps I go about a journey of my own believing myself to be the first man to have failed in such a total way which journey works so as to break up my career, end a marriage, and start an entirely new way of relating with my two children whom I love deeply. Almost magically I meet a woman who is a career counselor who asserts a beautiful message that I am made to be joyful in my work everyday and at all levels. This understanding sets me on a completely new course. It is no longer a world of systems to me but an undivided one of unlimited beauty. It reminds me of a painting. A true masterpiece. I am drawn from within to learn the truth about my identity and nobody else can teach me that. From this point onward I will use thinking capacity for mastering mechanical processes and follow my heart, which includes my whole nature, which includes your whole nature and that of every human being for all the rest. I’ll go by the name Johnny Whooper Swan who does not explain itself to anyone. By my fruits shall I be known. Watch me soar!

Wednesday, July 21, 2021

A philosopher of some influence once said, “I think therefore I am.” He became a Lord. I serve my Lord, the Thinker.

What I see is this: I thought. I thought some more. Then thought created a thinker. Thinking took more and more of my attention. Thinking then became my almost all. Finally I was the thinker thought thought up and recorded as my self on my brain and now exist in that tiny, isolated way. So limited. So confused. So frightened. So depressed. Now I do not exist at all outside my thoughts. I see this. Beyond thinking I see Thought brings pleasure but always accompanied by its companion Pain. The source of my pleasure is the source of my pain. Let me out, please! My thoughts have killed me. Almost. Some not thought which sees thought in action has written this using thought as a tool. I have hope. Thought and hope. These two. There is no going back. I am outside the walls. I am home.